After yesterday’s writing binge today was a big fat pile of blah. I didn’t even try. Sometimes that happens with me. I will get super inspired, consumed in the desire to complete a scene. I’ve been known to write 20 pages or more in a day if I’m in the zone. And then when it’s done I got nothin’. I am emotionally limp and drifting, and that “done” phase will be in direct proportion to the amount of work I’ve done. It’s a necessary resting period, and I’ve gotten used to it, but I may need to be weened off the complete “fuck everything I’m done” resting phase. Writing as a career, at least for me, can’t be sustained that way. I want this to be a lifestyle, not an affliction.
Honestly, though, I don’t think this was just my usual resting phase. I think that today was really just a case of the blues. There’s some big changes coming up for me and while I’m excited about them, I’m also a Taurus (if you know anything about astrology and not just sun signs, we’re talking several planets in Taurus, several planets in the 2nd house, the works). We’re not too keen on change, us fixed signs. But the airy/fiery/mutable side of me (I’m nothing if not a contradiction), gets off on not knowing what comes next. I get bored easily, I need some movement or get I complacent. And for a long while I’ve been equal parts content and bored.
I have no idea how this will effect my writing schedule, but the good news is that I got into grad school for creative writing. So in a bit I will be consumed by the act of improving my craft. Add to that a trip to England in the new year and there’s some moving and shaking going on. Good for Bored Me, scary for Content Me.
For a long while I’ve been dreaming of stuff like this. Traveling to places I want to see, publishing my work, going back to school. But I’m still ME, and I guess that’s the funny thing about life and change. I’m still catching up to all these great things that are happening in my life. I’m still afraid I’m going to figure out a way to fuck things up. And while things have changed they haven’t catapulted me into stratospheres free of worry. I’m not there yet as an author, as a woman. I know that you never truly are, but there is a certain amount of relief that success brings. I still have so much growing to do, so many flaws to embrace. I like myself in spite of those flaws, but every once in a while I need a sturdy reminder.
So I guess today I did have a lot to write, just not from the point of view of one of my conflicted characters. Today I’m the conflicted protagonist mulling over the future. I find when that happens it’s best to look back and take stock of all that good that has happened. I’ve been reading author blogs, studying up on this business and the journey those who are successful in it have taken. It’s been a great comfort. None of us really start off on top, even if it looks effortless. None of us are completely fearless and always badass. All of us have trials to get through. All of us have to embrace the boredom and the changes that make up our lives. And if we’re lucky, one day we can wake up and see we truly have come a long way, then smile and look ahead because we still have a long way to go.
