I like to think of myself as a skeptical optimist, an introverted people person, a loving and cuddly lady with a volcanic temper. I am firmly ensconced in the grey area of life. So I have come to terms with seeing injustice and cruelty that makes me practically feral with anger, while in my marshmallow heart still believing that people — whether they know this about themselves or not — are striving to be better than their basest, cruelest impulses.
I pray for that even as I catch fire with rage. I think part of that is because of my general philosophy about life, which is that the natural human condition is to build, but that in order to do that you have to tear things down. We find ways to test the foundations we’ve built our lives and beliefs on. We self-destruct, we invite drama and chaos. We shake the pillars to see if the house will really stand firm and protect us from the elements, searching for confirmation that something can be permanent and good.
I may have been watching a lot HGTV lately…so…bear with me.
My point is, I was struggling to find a way to write a blog post when Micheal Brown’s murder and the subsequent police brutality during the protests spread across the airwaves. Suddenly a post about my favorite quirky movies didn’t seem so interesting, but talking about such a hot button issue seemed presumptuous of me. I still am coming to terms with the idea that people might actually read this blog for insights about me as well as news on my writing. Not knowing which way to go, I just kind of ignored blogging and stuck to other social media. It’s been a bit too long since I’ve posted here, but I couldn’t in good conscience move on. There are plenty of people and blogs out there that have spoken beautifully and succinctly about the specifics of Micheal Brown and cases like his, but that’s not what I’m going to do. I encourage everyone to seek out unbiased truth on this issue, to do actual research and to lend their support through petitions and community outreach. I believe that entire issue was like finding mold and rotten wood in the beams that support this great nation, and I believe that race played a large role in the murder and subsequent reaction to protestors. But in this little corner of the internet world, I’m just trying to wrap my brain around things and share with you what I’ve been thinking and learning, when my tendency is instead to be guarded and quiet.
I think at that root of self-sabotage and other forms of destructive behavior is a cry to rebuild something that we know, subliminally, isn’t strong enough to withstand the ups and downs of life and change. I believe that there is such a thing as a collective unconsciousness that links us together, and that when we see craziness in the news, around the world, or craziness in our own lives, it’s not confirmation that we should accept the mess. It’s confirmation that we’re equipped to clean it up and that we are angry we let things get so out of control.
We’re seeing a lot of this destructive force in the world right now…or at least I am. But it’s not new. It’s just that the house is crumbling and finally we’re being forced to pay attention. We’re drawing attention to systemic racism, to the way we handle mental and physical healthcare. We’re questioning the media and diverse, unbiased representation; we’re seeing the after effects of ruining the environment and being cruel to animals. We’re seeing the hands that pass money under the table while people struggle to survive poverty and get a good education. It’s not that I didn’t understand war, brutality or greed before. It just seems like now that I’m a bit older, I see it with a mind towards the future and I want to help change things for the better. I don’t just want to observe the crumbling effect and pat myself on the back for knowing it’s bad. I want to be part of the rebuilding.
That same shift in my mental process is why I started publishing this year. What was I waiting for? I think it was courage to shake things up a bit and see once and for all if I could build a house on my talent and hard work. If you don’t try you can’t fail, you can’t fall short of your dreams and you can’t get jealous of others that succeed…that’s what I told myself. But really you can do all of that anyway, just in some other field of endeavor that you don’t have a passion for. I still have moments of doubt and sometimes my mind stretches out so far in front of me that I get impatient. But I’m able to recognized when I’m self-sabotaging now, and that’s the first step to correcting the behavior.
That’s why I have faith that the world can change even as it breaks our hearts. We are seeing and processing our own sabotage. We’re forcing ourselves to move when we’d rather stay still. And that’s usually when people break out the tool box and settle in for the hard work of tearing down the old, faulty structures to make way for something stronger. When we feel like we have no choice, that is when some of the best choices are made. I hope years down the line when I look back on this post and this moment in time, I will see change taking hold for the better, and I can say I was a part of it, however small my part was.
